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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24651619">in a holding pattern to find myself</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>self care - a trans character fic list [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Ficlet, Gen, Trans Genya Safin, Trans Wylan van Eck, Vignette, WARNING: This heavily deals with some transphobic stuff, also that jurda parem plot doesn't exist here, genya supports wylan huh, i had to deal with jkr's bullshit so i decided to make myself feel better, i wanted to write jes as a more major person in this but this is about being trans, jesper is the best supportive boyfriend here huh, this probably also has plotholes or whatever but idc, wylan is trans now and i dont make the damn rules</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 03:21:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>868</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24651619</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Wylan becomes who he is with the help of Genya Safin.</p><p>WARNING: This is GOING to have some transphobic things in here. If you're uncomfortable with that/not the type of trans character content you're looking for, DO. NOT. READ!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>self care - a trans character fic list [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1785856</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in a holding pattern to find myself</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>*sighs*</p><p>I wrote this because I had to read JKR's recent tweets and her weird, terf-y essay. After going through a lot of emotional turmoil in like 3 days, I decided to write my fave ginger as a transman for comfort. It was somewhat difficult to write without getting dysphoric myself, so I did the best I could.</p><p>title inspired by mercury by sleeping at last</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wylan followed Kaz and Jesper through the hotel’s baths, trying desperately to keep his teeth from grinding together. He wouldn’t stop picking at his nails, and he was sure that his thumb was going to start bleeding soon. His guts were twisted steel, paralyzing fear coiling around his body like a snake.</p><p>The heat of the baths made its way into his two-sizes-too-big button up, which was awkwardly tucked into his pants. His shoulders were hunched to hide his chest, making his spine ache with pain. The cloth tightly knitted underneath his shirt was also starting to hurt his ribcage, but he didn’t care. This was daily for him.</p><p>He spotted the Triumvirate and another person, and after some chit chat--he didn’t speak up, he knew how his voice sounded--he found out that Sturmhond was with them as a representative for King Nikolai. Wylan was envious of the way his jaw was shaped, as he was by most of the men he saw around him. His jaw was too rounded, and he had some fat that didn’t exactly help in making it look refined.</p><p>“Who is she?” asked Sturmhond, pointing to him. Wylan bristled at the question, and he was painfully reminded of what he looked like on the outside. Not that he wasn’t aware of it already.</p><p>“<em> He </em> ,” Jesper corrected before Wylan could even open his mouth. “ <em> His </em> name is Wylan, <em> he’s </em> a man and you will call <em> him </em> that.”</p><p>Wylan felt his cheeks flush, and a sense of ease spread through his body. At least one person was willing to correct someone for him. They waited until Kaz and Sturmhond went into a separate room to talk about a deal, and then Genya walked towards him. He and Jesper followed her to a different room with disgustingly smelly clay, and he sat down in a chair. There was a long table, probably for putting towels on or some of your possessions. A mirror stood across from him, and his reflection in the mirror. He looked away. Jesper sat next to him, and squeezed his arm.</p><p>“I’m sorry about Sturmhond,” Genya said, getting her tinctures and kit ready. Wylan’s gut clenched with nervousness. “If it makes you feel any better, he was the same with me at first.”</p><p>“That does make me feel better, actually,” Wylan said, his voice too high for comfort. “So... how does this work? How long does it take?”</p><p>Genya sighed, and turned to the mirror. Wylan looked at it too, and he suddenly felt shameful. He saw who he was not staring back at him: big, round eyes; too-thin, patchy brows. He was suddenly very aware of the way his shirt was shaped on him, and he sunk into his chair. He crossed one slender leg over the other self consciously.</p><p>They talked about what Genya would change, and what she didn’t feel she couldn’t change about him. She answered all of his questions, and once he felt satisfied he took off his shirt, but not the cloth, and laid down on the table. Genya pulled out a syringe from her bag. Wylan’s heart started beating rapidly.</p><p>“Remember what I said? I’m going to put you under,” Genya said. “It’s more comfortable that way. You won’t feel a thing, I promise.”</p><p>“Okay,” Wylan said. He closed his eyes as Genya stuck the needle into his arm. He felt his body relax, and he was already slipping in and out of consciousness. His head turned to see Jesper leaning back in his chair, watching Genya do her work. Then he blacked out.</p><p>He didn’t dream. At least, not that much. He saw flickering memories in the dark--the dresses he would wear at parties and the way his hair was brushed and braided every day. He dreamt of the night he’d taken scissors to his hair, watching every lock and curl fall carelessly into the sink. It was a bad haircut, and his father was <em> not </em> happy.</p><p>When Wylan woke up, he felt relaxed, but still a little hazy. Jesper and Genya helped him sit up, and he turned his head to the mirror, and at first it didn’t register that it was <em> him </em>. He was looking at himself, and what he should have been born as. </p><p>His jawline was more defined, his brows full. His shoulders were broader and he gasped when he saw his chest. It was <em> flat </em>. He wouldn’t have to worry about fitting into shirts and suits, he wouldn’t have to look at himself in the mirror and think, Ghezen, no. He felt his eyes fill up with tears.</p><p>“How do you feel?” Jesper asked.</p><p>“I feel great.” His voice was deeper, too. He let the tears flow, and he looked at Genya, who was proud of her work. “Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do if you didn’t exist.”</p><p>“You’d still be a man,” said Genya. “You are who you are no matter what, just like how I’m a woman despite the fact I didn’t look like one a long time ago.”</p><p>Wylan smiled. He put his shirt back on and he walked out of the baths, feeling freer and freer with every passing step.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you liked this, please give it a kudos and comment! You can follow me on tumblr (wybiegowritey)! </p><p>Remember: Transwomen are women, transmen are men. Trans rights are human rights. You can like Harry Potter as much as you want to but you must understand that JKR is not the kindest person and there are many things wrong with the series. On that note, have a good day and support trans people.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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